What if this church crumbled

one brick at a time?

What if the thing making the church crumble

was the power of my mind?

What if I had the power

to put the fear of God into your hearts?

Instead of building people up,

I just tore fuckers apart.

What if my fire and brimstone

left everybody in mourn?

Hell hath no fury

like this mother fucker scorn.

What if I no longer wanted to please people

but instead make them cry?

Thunder and lightning crashing

from clouds red like blood in the sky.

What if I didn’t give a fuck

about what people thought?

Then there’d be no such thing

as the pain inside my heart.

Oh the things I’d give up

to be the one in control.

To be the one turning other’s hearts

into lumps of coal.

To be the reason you can’t sleep at night.

To be the reason you can’t dream.

To keep you all from smiling.

To make you sweat and scream.

Would I get respect then?

If you feared my cold heart and eyes?

Instead of being the guy who ruins

everything he tries.

Oh the power I would gain

from the fear of what I might do.

When you strike fear into everyone,

who needs the love of a few?

So maybe I’ll start over.

Maybe I will change.

Maybe instead of trying to brighten up

on your heart I’ll just leave stains.

Just a girl on my brain,
Makes me walk 2 miles in the pouring rain.
But I need the exercise so I can’t complain
And it made my day a little less mundane.
So I’m walkin tall and feelin a little less fat,
With the weight of the world no longer on my back.
Breathin easy, and that’s a fact.
Who am I? I’m Tommy Motha Fuckin Mac.
I say it proud cuz I’m glad to be me.
Life is hard, but there’s no one I’d rather be
No longer dependent on other people lovin me
Walkin tall on the path that God’s put in front of me.
If this path eventually leads to a wife, then cool.
One day we’ll watch our kids play in the swimming pool.
But getting one’s hopes up just makes him a fool.
Nothin wrong with big dreams, just make sure there’s a tool.
Cuz nothing worth having comes for free.
For every great thing there comes a fee.
Dedication is life’s Master Key.
So take it, use it, and unlock a mystery.

Knowing What you need to do:

It is so easy to sit in a room with people you know and trust and listen to them tell you what you need to do. I mean, if you have a problem, turning to those we love is usually the easiest and first step. The ones we love, we listen to. And the ones who love us, tell us the truth, no matter how god-awful it is. The ones you love tell you the truth. They say it with passion and love and sometimes anger. The ones that love us the most see the right way for us to go when we are lost on the wrong path.

I am not an alcoholic, and I lay no claim to knowing the pains of being an alcoholic. I am Thomas Weida. I am a 600 pound man with 3 weeks to lose as much weight as possible to prove to my surgeon that I am qualified for gastric bypass surgery. So I am not an alcoholic. But like an alcoholic, I struggle with demons. Except instead of my demons being in a Grey Goose bottle, they are in the pantry. I struggle just as much as an alcoholic at a party. Instead I’m a avoiding the chips and dip instead of dodging the Smirnoff.

So I feel like an alcoholic. The way I have to change EVERYTHING about my life to better my life. The way that, even though there are many people in the same situation as I, I feel like a complete outcast. But I was an outcast before I started this process, so I guess it’s nothing new. So now I have just 3 weeks left to lose as much weight as possible.

That’s right, just 3 weeks. 3 short depressing weeks. I had longer. I have been on this path to surgery for over a year and 4 months now, and I have kicked and fought my way this one time. In fact, and this is no lie, I have gained weight since the beginning of this process.

When I started this mission, there were simple steps to follow. I went to a introductory information class on this thing called a Lap-Band. It’s this little ring that they put around the top of your stomach that they can tighten with the use of a balloon on the inside of the ring. I could go into greater detail, but there is really no point. The bottom line is that was the initiation into the program.

The second step was to meet with the surgeon to discuss the process. In that meeting I learned that I had to meet with a nutritionist every month for 6 months. I also had to go to a sleep study, a heart doctor, a psychologist, get blood taken, give a stool sample (poop for those who don’t know), and lose 40 pounds. How hard could that be?

At the end of the process, I would have surgery and lose up to 300 pounds in a matter of 18 months. So my path was set. I knew all I had to do. Now it was just a matter of going through the list and checking off everything as a went along and completed them.

How hard could this possibly be? It can’t be that bad. This path to healthy living and life was just that, IS just that. At least I thought so. I was content with that. But for some reason, somehow this mission, this path, became more. No longer was it just a simple process to get to a surgery. It became this journey of self discovery. A mission of self reflection. Only one problem with this; self. It’s so easy to know the steps. It’s another thing to follow through them.

Knowing What you need to do:

It is so easy to sit in a room with people you know and trust and listen to them tell you what you need to do. I mean, if you have a problem, turning to those we love is usually the easiest and first step. The ones we love, we listen to. And the ones who love us, tell us the truth, no matter how god-awful it is. The ones you love tell you the truth. They say it with passion and love and sometimes anger. The ones that love us the most see the right way for us to go when we are lost on the wrong path.

I am not an alcoholic, and I lay no claim to knowing the pains of being an alcoholic. I am Thomas Weida. I am a 600 pound man with 3 weeks to lose as much weight as possible to prove to my surgeon that I am qualified for gastric bypass surgery. So I am not an alcoholic. But like an alcoholic, I struggle with demons. Except instead of my demons being in a Grey Goose bottle, they are in the pantry. I struggle just as much as an alcoholic at a party. Instead I’m a avoiding the chips and dip instead of dodging the Smirnoff.

So I feel like an alcoholic. The way I have to change EVERYTHING about my life to better my life. The way that, even though there are many people in the same situation as I, I feel like a complete outcast. But I was an outcast before I started this process, so I guess it’s nothing new. So now I have just 3 weeks left to lose as much weight as possible.

That’s right, just 3 weeks. 3 short depressing weeks. I had longer. I have been on this path to surgery for over a year and 4 months now, and I have kicked and fought my way this one time. In fact, and this is no lie, I have gained weight since the beginning of this process.

When I started this mission, there were simple steps to follow. I went to a introductory information class on this thing called a Lap-Band. It’s this little ring that they put around the top of your stomach that they can tighten with the use of a balloon on the inside of the ring. I could go into greater detail, but there is really no point. The bottom line is that was the initiation into the program.

The second step was to meet with the surgeon to discuss the process. In that meeting I learned that I had to meet with a nutritionist every month for 6 months. I also had to go to a sleep study, a heart doctor, a psychologist, get blood taken, give a stool sample (poop for those who don’t know), and lose 40 pounds. How hard could that be?

At the end of the process, I would have surgery and lose up to 300 pounds in a matter of 18 months. So my path was set. I knew all I had to do. Now it was just a matter of going through the list and checking off everything as a went along and completed them.

How hard could this possibly be? It can’t be that bad. This path to healthy living and life was just that, IS just that. At least I thought so. I was content with that. But for some reason, somehow this mission, this path, became more. No longer was it just a simple process to get to a surgery. It became this journey of self discovery. A mission of self reflection. Only one problem with this; self. It’s so easy to know the steps. It’s another thing to follow through them.

So here is what happened….

When I left BBC, I hardened myself. I felt so churched out that I can literally count on both my hands the number of times I’ve been to a church in the year and a month since I left BBC. I am not blaming BBC, I am just stating the fact. Could I blame BBC? Actually, you know what… I do blame BBC. I tell people from there that I don’t, but I’m a liar. I have been lying a lot lately, and that’s one of the reasons for this post. I blame BBC because I had such a poor relationship with authoirity at BBC that I did harden myself. To religion and to God. I ran from God in that past year. I ran far away. I focused on everything but God. I prayed from time to time, but only when I wanted things or needed things, and I became the type of Christian that I always called a hypocrit. Then again, I’ve been a hypocrit my whole life.

I have lived my whole life acting completely different depending on who I was around. At school I knew all the jokes, I made fun of the right people, I acted like a hard ass, and I focused on me. At church, I was the “perfect” chiristian. I said all the right things, I read the Bible, I talked properly, and prayed well. I told people I wanted to be a youth leader and help kids with their problems. The truth is, I can’t even help myself with my own problems.

Can anyone help themselves with their own problems? Is that even possible? I guess if problems are simple enough it is. I always looked at it like this: If I just pushed through my problems, they would go away. Ignorance is bliss so they say. But if you ignore your problems you ignore the signs that they are getting worse. Then one day you find yourself at the bottom of the pit with no way out. Well… no way out, except one. Jesus Christ. He’s always there. No matter how far you think you pushed him out of your life, he is always there.

So this weekend he found me. Deep inside the dark forest, he found me. He did it in the oddest of ways too. HE found me and pulled me back by use of Michael W. Smith music. He used a television show on Saturday night, and then the radio staion later on. He called me back to him, and I felt him tugging on me. God is doing some good things in my life. I am excited about my future with God by my side. I don’t know what’s in store, but I think there is a great new hope.

This is the beginning of a book I am working on… I am not sure if the absence of a narrative is good or bad. Let me know what you think.

Everything not in quotations is the main character’s thoughts

Everything inside ~ ~ is a sound

 

“Are you serious?”

“Yes James, I am. I did not ask for this.”

“So, you’re just gonna give birth, and pack up and leave? Do you hear how pathetic that sounds, Val.”

 ”Pathetic? I’m just trying to make something of myselof. I’m not gonna throw my life and my success away just because you got me pregnant.”

 ”Don’t even turn this all on me. It takes two people to make a new one. But you know what, if raising a child is throwing your life away, then you don’t sound like a very fit mother anyway.”

 ”I have a life waiting for me in California. I have plans and goals and this baby is only pausing my plans. Now I’m not the type of girl who gets an abortion, so if you want your child, its yours. But once I give birth, I want nothing to do with you or it.”

 ”Well, I’d hate tyo keep y0ou from your amazing life in California.”

 ”So do you want this child or not?”

 ”Of course I do..”

 ”then its yours. I gotta go. You can come with to all the doctor visits. I’ll call you when I schedule the next one.”

 When she called me to meet her for coffee, this isn’t what I expected. I didn’t know that one cup of coffee into my Tuesday that I would be a single parent. That’s not really something that a guy thinks about on a Tuesday, or anyday for that matter. So now I’m seven and a half months away from having a child? Am I ready for that? I can’t possibly be ready for that.

 What time is it? 9:24, now I have a little less than two hours to kill until I have to be at work.

 ~~You’ve got the right stuff, baby~~

 ”Hello”

 ”James, It’s Lucy from work.”

 ”Yea?”

“Hey, Martin wants you to come into work as soon as possible. Shawn and Nick called off sick.”

 ”Are you serious? I mean, I can come in, but they both called off? What a bunch of assholes.”

 ”Yeah, they said they were gonna drink a bunch last night.”

 ”What kind of dumbasses get trashed on a Monday night while watching basketball?”

 ”Well, they are your friends. So are you coming in or not?”

 ”Yeah, give me like 15 minutes.”

 ”Alright, see you then.”

 My dumbass friends watch NBA basketball and get trashed. How fucking pathetic.

 Sweer, not I have no time to kill. In fact, now I have to hurry to work. Fuckin A Shawn and Nick. I get this bombed dropped on me by Val and now I have to work extra hours at work. God I need a raise, especially now…

 ”Have a good day, Sir!”

 Huh, what? who… oh,

 ”Hey, Thanks. You too.”

 I hope that didn’t sound as sarcastic to him as it did to me. Has he been listening in on my conversations the whole time I was in there. Could he hear us from behind the counter. God I hate having to put on a fake smile for everyone. When did it become such a crime to be in public and unhappy? Seriously.

 God damnit! Where are my keys? I always forget that I lock my doors. Fuckin A… where are my keys?

 ”Where the fuck are my keys?”

 This pocket, no… this one? no. What the fuck…

 ”Excuse me sir, you left your keys on the table.”

 ”Oh, I did? Thank you for bringing them out to me.”

 ”And I over heard part of you’re conversation with your wife about you two having a baby, Congradulations!”

 ”Oh… uh, she’s not my wife.”

 ”Well.. congrats none the less.”

 ”Thanks. Have a good day.”

 What a genuinely nice guy. I mean, sure he has no idea that the baby news wasn’t exactly exciting news, but he meant what he said. Now I feel like an ass for being sarcastic earlier. What time is it, shit… i gotta get to work.

 ~How’s it gonna be, when you don’t know me~ CLICK

 I can’t listen to music right now. I need to think. Son of a… are you kidding me? Only 4 cigarettes left. Well, I need to get gas after work anyway. I swear I just bought this pack though. I need to talk to somebody about this. Maybe Lee can help me out. How many D’s are in my cell phone? geez. Here we go. Lee.

 ”Hey, this Lee Smarts, I’m sorry I couldn’t answer your call, but…”

 ”Hey Lee. I love the fact that if you press 1 during the recording it bi-passes all that shit. Anyway, I’m on my way to work but figured I’d give you a call. Call me back this evening… actually, can you have Kelly call me back instead? I have some sibling stuff I need to talk about. Alright, I’m at work. I’ll talk to you later. Peace.”

 ~Bing-Bog~

 That door bell is so gay.

 ”Hey James, thanks for coming in early. We could use the help, obviously.”

 ”Yeah… sure. I was already in the area anyway.”

 Obviously you need me here. Soooooo many people shop for cell phones at 10 A.M. on a Tuesday. There is no one here. Whatever, you can pay me to sit around. I need the money anyways. Especially now.

 ”So James, what were you doing in the area already? Shopping for a birthday gift for me? My birthday’s not til Friday.”

 What a fucktard. I can’t believe you’re my boss, what was corporate thinking.

 ”That’s exactly what I was doing Martin. How’d you guess?”

 ”Well, once you put your stuff in the back, I need you working the tech desk.”

 ”SWEET!”

 Just my fucking luck. Tech Desk. Nothing like hearing people bitch at you all day just because their to stupid to figure out there own god damn phone. Whatever, at least I gt to sit in a comfy chair all day. I hate standing for 8 hours, it’s like Chinese torture.

 ”Hey James, what’s up?”

 I wonder if Lucy would make a good mother. She seems sweet enough. I mean, I don’t know her that well, but she’s cool. Definitely sexy.

 ”James… you okay?”

 ”What? Oh, hey Lucy. Sorry. I was just thinkin’”

 ”Kind of early in the shift to be zoning out already don’t you think?”

 ”Well Lucy, you’re new here. Usually in the first week an employee still has the fresh zest for their job. Give it time, it’ll wear off. Soon you’ll realize that opening this store at 9 A.M. is retarded. No one shops for cell phones this early. The first batch of people usually don’t come in here until their lunch breaks. In fact, the only place you are gaurenteed customers is right here at the Tech Desk.”

 ”Oh yeah?”

 ”Sure… granted they are complete morons who have no idea how to turn on the flash for their camera on their phone. Or its just some smarty who dropped his phone in the mud or toilet or sink and now needs a replacement.”

 ”Sounds exciting.”

 Don’t patronize me

 ”Oh, it is rivetting.”

 ~Ring-Ring~

 ”Speak of the devil.”

 ”Well James, I guess I’ll let you get to work.”

 ~Ring-Ring~

 ”Hello. That you for calling AT&T. This is James, how can help you this morning.”

 By far, the dumbest way to answer a phone. Lucy is still eyeing me… nice.

 ”You say you’re having trouble setting a song as your ringtone?”

 Don’t laugh at me Lucy, if you weren’t so hot, I’d be offended.

 ”Is it a ringtone you bought or one you uploaded via USB port? Okay, here’s what you do..”

 Okay James, take a breath and try not to sound like a complete asshole when you say this.

 ”Go into your playlist. Choose the song you want as your ringtone. Once it’s highlighted hit the options key. Click the Set As button and choose ringtone.”

 Not to shabby James.

 ”Did it work ma’am? What? Sure I’ll call you back on your cell to test it. I’d be happy to.”

 Careful James…

 ”Okay, I’ll call your cell.” CLICK

 ”This is how it’s done Lucy.”

 What’s this lady’s number… 914-7212. I can’t believe I have to call her to test it.

 ~Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say I really don’t think I’m strong enough~

 Does she really have Cher set as her answer tone. How does she know how to set her answer tone but a ring tone baffles her.

 ”Hey… this is Rebecca. Leave me a message and I’ll call you back.”

 A voicemail. Seriously, Rebecca. pick up the phone.

 ”Hey, this is James from the AT&T store just calling to see if you’re ring tone worked.” CLICK

 I’m pretty sure I sounded like a dick on that message.

 ~Ring-Ring~

 ”Hello. That you for calling AT&T. This is James, how can help you this morning? Oh, it did work Rebecca? Awesome. No need for the graditude ma’am, it’s all in a days work.”

 Careful James.

 ”Okay Rebecca, you have a great day too. Buh-Bye.” CLICK

 To think, she could have just answered her cell phone to tell me that it worked. Could have saved us both 30 seconds of life, and I wouldn’t have had to listen to that shitty Cher song.

Apologies are in order here. I haven’t written anything in a while, and I do apologize for that.

Lately a lot of stuff has been going on. A lot of depressing things. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about me and my battle with depression. It has been mentioned to me that maybe I need to start taking anti-depressents again. And because of that comment I have been thinking… maybe I do need to.

I have been in the process of this weight loss surgery for a little while now and with not much luck might I add. I have been letting my family down, my nutritionist, my friends, and myself down. And all that let down gets me really depressed. And in that depression I turn to the very thing that is causing all the let down. Honestly, I feel like I am not in control of myself, I am just along for the ride.

I asked my mother yesterday if she thinks I need to go back on anti-depressants. After all, she is around me the most at home, and home is where I let my guard down. If I am at a friend’s house and feel like I’m not very happy, I just leave and go home. So anyways, I asked my mom what she thought, and she said to me, “I can’t read your mind Tommy,” and my response to her was, “neither can I.” Honestly, that is how I feel. I have no idea why I go so up and down in emotions. So maybe I do need to start taking anti-depressents again. Maybe that will help me feel better about myself and give me more hope.

Maybe.

This is honestly one of my favorite songs. The poetry, the word usage, its so beautifully done. And this is why Norah Jones is one of the best:

“Be Here to Love Me Today” by: Norah Jones

Your eyes seek conclusion in all this confusion of mine
Though you and I both know it’s only the warm glow of wine
That’s got you to feeling this way,
but I don’t care, I want you to stay 
just to hold me and tell me you’ll be here to love me today

Children are dancin’, the gamblers are chancin’ their all
The window’s accusing the door of abusing the wall
But who cares what the night watchmen say
The stage has been set for the play
Hold me and tell me you’ll be here to love me today

The moon’s come and gone but a few stars hang on on to the sky
The wind’s runnin’ free but it ain’t up to me ask why
The poets are demanding their pay
They’ve left me with nothin’ to say
‘cept hold me and tell me you’ll be here to love me today
Just hold me and tell me that you’ll be here to love me today.

 

Such a beautiful song. If you don’t know it, I suggest downloading it and listening to it. I’m not saying that you will fall in love with it, you might not even like it… but you need to at least respect it. Thanks for reading.

Sincerely,
Tommy

Seriously… its 5:08 PM. First pitch for tonight’s Game 5 of the World Series is scheduled for 8:37 PM. That puts us at just about 3 and 1/2 hours til game time. Can you seriously believe this? I know I can’t. I have texting people all day… the only way I can describe how excited I am is to say I feel like a 7 year old trying to fall asleep on Christmas Eve.

The city of Philadelphia hasn’t had a winner since 1983. The Phillies haven’t won since 1980. This is 25 years in the making. The Phillies are seriously up 3-1. Cole Hamels is pitching tonight. The Phillies are perfect so far in home playoff games. The last time a team went perfect at home throughout the playoffs was in the 90′s and it was the Yankees. In fact, in the Wildcard expansion era, that was the only other time it happened.

So tonight…. it would be so awesome if it happened tonight. In this city. This city deserves it. These fans deserve it. And we will be in full force, doing our part in the game. The Rays’ 3 and 4 hole hitters are 0-for in this series. Ryan Howard has hit 3 homeruns in 2 games. If he hits one more or so in a win tonight, he could seriously be named MVP of the series. If not, Carlos Ruiz and Chase Utley would most likely be the leading candidates. But in all honesty… I’m going to say that Joe Blanton deserves the MVP, and here’s why:

With the World Series at 2-1 going into Game 4, momentum is up for grabs. If Tampa wins that game, its tied at 2 games a peice and they will re-claim Home Field Advantage. So Joe Blanton steps up into the role of Rays killer and completely dominates Game 4. Not only does he dominate on the mound, but he goes yard and stabs the perverbial stake through the Rays’ hearts. Now the Phillies are up 3-1 and Hamels is up for Game 5, and the Rays’ hope is all but completely destroyed. I mean, Ryan Howard was a big reason for the offensive explosion last night, but Joe Blanton is the one who shut down the Rays offensively. The Rays have hit 22 homeruns in this post season, and Joe Blanton said “NO SOUP FOR YOU,” and slammed the door shut on those Rays. So he’s getting my vote.

So Phillie Phans… saddle up and get ready for tonight!!!!!!

it has been a pretty interesting ride these past two weeks… and all of it has me crashing in on myself. Yes, I am depressed. Yes, I do think there is no point to my life. Yes, I think the life of my family and friends would be better off if I weren’t here. If that makes me sound bad, so be it. I think I just sound like a realist. But here’s what I got going on in my mind and my life.

A new friend ….

Her name is Sarah. She is a 16 year old cheerleader. For some weird reason, she hangs out with my friends and I. We usually just play haussee or hang out somewhere, and it has been quite fun. First of all, she picked up the game of haussee super fast. I preferred to have her on my team when we played teams because she picked it up pretty well. She knows all the right cards to throw.

A recurring problem….

I have been beating myself up lately. Like i wrote earlier, I am depressed. I honestly, don’t understand my existence. I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus, but at this point in my life, I don’t know why I was created. I am doing more bad than good. I will go so far as to say that I feel like my years are numbered… and its a low number. I’m not going to kill myself… i feel more like I am dying. I don’t feel good about anything I do. I can be happy while hanging with friends, but its all an act. When I come home at 2 or 3 in the morning, i realize how empty my life truly is.

I don’t know whats going on, and I don’t know why either, but I’ll just keep on smiling and acting like nothing is wrong, and just before I close my eyes and sleep for the night, I’ll once again realize how pointless my life truly is. So, I’ll let you know what is going on later on.

this has to be the worst week of my life… as far as home life is considered. However, I have been numbing that all away with the massive amount of cards i have been playing. I have only been playing one game, but its the people that i play it with that make it so much fun. Honestly, I could play for hours on end.

In other news…. so much for life saving surgery. I have officially lost my medical insurance. That leaves me with no surgery… and coping with Glaucoma without any help. I also have this awesome sleep apnea machine in my room. Boy is my life sky-rocketing to the stars.

Literally, at night. I have to pray that God just gives me the strength to not kill myself. And it gets tougher and tougher the more i am at home. However, when I’m with my friends, I couldn’t care less about my home living situation. The problem is everything is being amplified by my sister being here and her wedding being on Saturday. I know that it will only get worse as the wedding inches closer. I honestly don’t even want to go. So if you don’t have any plans this July 12th, give me a call. Let’s hang.

Well… I guess about all the time I have for this bitching fest. I’ll come back and vent some more later. I promise.